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10 days of torture}
Thursday, July 11, 2013 | 12:08 AM | 0Comment

Assalamualaikum.

So, this is made by Affan (well, I asked him to haha just for the sake of messing around with people by sending this picture to them haha). My junior debater. Well, he's more senior than me in the case of debating but just to show the situation that he's in his first year of foundation and I'm in the second year of foundation so yeah what-evs.

Firstly, I am going to Australs. Yes. This is true. Not a lie. I'm not doing this on my own will but yeah I just had to. Well, Diyana and Amshar told me that if I don't go, some people just had to pull out because in Australs there have a quota for female debaters and all that stuff that made me feel so guilty if I don't agree to go. I don't blame them tho but I should've stick to my principle where I do not want to go to any tournaments during Ramadan cos I really need water to make my nervousness go away before each debate. But I know this will be good for me. This would force me to read up stuffs and be a lil more rajin than I am now.

I feel so bad that I had to team up with Defrim and Azra. I know they didn't expect that I couldn't debate at all. But yknow to be debating in a team where both are senior debaters which are really good just gives me the shivers plus I haven't gone to trainings forever. I don't know, I just feel pressured. I know they don't really expect that much from me but I don't want to be the worst of me. 

I want to at least be okay. I want to at least be satisfied with my own performance. I don't mind if we lose (well, actualy I do). At least, if I am satisfied with what I've done then that's okay. I don't want to go back and feel humiliated. I know I would a bit but if I think I did my best and I improved then I wont mind. But of course, there will be a slight of humiliation but yeah whatever. I'm not going to Australs to win this thing or even to break. I just agreed just for the sake of doing them a favor. Just filling up the space for another female debater.

I still regret tho. I regret it even more when I read what Harris posted on the SPICE Google Group. All five teams have to go participate in the APU Tournament. It'll be like the last training for Australs because Australs is next week. I am just not strong to be humiliating myself for these days. I feel like crying. Idk -.-

I feel so bad for crying during the training last Wednesday and Sunday. I cried because I am sad that I'm not as good as the ones who started debating when I started. It just makes me really sad. Idk -.- I didn't cry because of the feedbacks. I feel really bad that Riasat thought that he made me cry when it wasn't his doing. 

I was just playing with my own feelings. I'm just so sad. 

Sometimes I think to myself, why am I not good at anything I like to do? :'(

Goodbye.

PS. The senior debaters are very very very nice :') Although I cried but they were like very supportive. I wish I could tell them this, thank you so much and I am very sorry for being such a crybaby.

PPS. The reason that I am still debating is because I want to be like Arinah. She's taking Economics just like me. And she is just amazing! I really like her style. The way she speaks. Very cool. She was the one who broke 15 in Worlds btw! Oh and of course with Saddiq, her teammate.

PPPS. I feel so happy that Jensen texted me, 'Selamat berbuka puasa'. I know it doesn't mean anything. Just let me be happy okay.