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Did you smile at me the other day? -JA}

Saturday, May 11, 2013 | 11:20 PM | 0Comment

Assalamualaikum.

I know I should be studying now but I can't. I can't stop thinking about him. I know everything that happened is my fault an I deserve this. I hate what I did and I wish I didn't do it. One thing I couldn't understand. Why did he not understand my situation? Or was it me who did not understand the real meaning of the words coming out of my mouth? Maybe I really mean it the way that he understood but I'm not sure. All I know is that I wanna be a good friend and I don't wanna hurt her feelings.

But that doesn't mean that I can hurt his feelings. (That was what Iylia told me. I'm just so so happy that I have her and I talked things out to her cos' she tried her very best to make me feel better and help me. She's always there when I need her. I just love her so much.) Why did I not think of that earlier? Why was I being so selfish? It's not my fault for him to like me from the beginning. Why didn't I think of that? Why am I always being nice to people? Too nice. I hurt my own feelings. Everything is just over now. Over. Everything has fallen back into the place that I wanted it to be once upon a time. I should be happy but no. I'm not. I'm really really sad that I lost someone who really cares about me. The one who thought my smile was the most amazing smile. The one who told me I was pretty every time we meet. The one who was always there to help me out.

I know this is silly but I'm just so sad. How can I break his heart? A heart that belongs to an almost perfect human being. Very very nice. Everytime he speaks about Islam, he can just say out a hadith spontaneously. He just never fails to amaze me. Not just very very nice but very very smart, a genius in fact. Never gets below A-. A face like Jensen, that's what he always says haha. I miss him. He is just perfect. I just hope that he somehow knows this. I'm truly sorry.

I think I'll do what Nadhirah told me to (thank you so much, darling ♥). Just wait and see. Follow the flow. Maybe sooner or later, I would be able to forget him. And maybe I'll find someone better than him. If there is. I hope I can. I pray to God to give him the nicest and the prettiest girl cos' I think he deserve it. He's just so nice.

Now, I just have to be me. Being me means being cheerful. I'm a cheerful person and I won't let anyone steal that away from me. Even him. I am strong. I learnt my mistakes and I will be careful next time.

Maybe this is the type of life that Jaafar asked me to be strong and stop being a crybaby. I'm glad that I have Jaafar and Aiman around. And my other debaters. The ones who keep me strong in IIU besides my parents. My debaters mean so much to me. Now that I'm in Gombak, I feel a little bit distanced from them. But I actually have my other debaters who loves me over here in Gombak. My senior debaters. I hope they do tho cos' I love every each of them. I do know that Azra does love me :') She's just the sister that I admire to be. I can't wait for the cfs debaters to graduate from cfs cos' they'll be moving to Gombak by then except for Diyana :'( She'll be going to Kuantan as she is doing Medic :'( I'll really really miss her motherly hugs and advices :'( I hope she won't quit debating and I hope I'll get to see her in every tournaments :') Talking about graduating, Azriah and Khairiah are graduating this Sem! I'm so excited to see them next semester! Hihihi. A flashback of Muneeba hugging me and comforting me every training that I cried just came :') I miss her. She's just like my kakak :* Bunny who never stop making me laugh. I just love how she rolls! Especially when she and Muneeba goes one. The world can just explode! Hahaha! I heard about Era and Rafidah. I just hope they'll stay and continue debating cos' they're part of us now :* Not to forget Akmal, Ahmad, Fadly and Dahri! Just amazing. Every each of us completes each other. I hope I can get really close with the Gombak debaters like I'm close to these awesome people :') Cos' that would be really cool. I'm just shy cos' I feel that I'm not improving and I'm the worst. I know thats bad. I know I am a good debater. I will not give up!

I will be strong! And focus studying! And debating! I'll always think about how much mama and ayah would want me to succeed in life. They're life to me. I would trade anything to just keep being with my mum and dad. I love them so much than they could ever imagine. I just do and I hope they know that I love them so very much! ♥

If I get married one day and if its not him, I would pray to God that I would never ever see him again cos' I won't know what will happen if I do. Would I still have feelings for him or not, that I don't know. I don't want my marriage to be destroyed. I'm planning to take good care of my marriage with whoever I'm marrying. Why in the universe am I talking about marriage? I'm only 19! The earliest I want to get married is 23 and the latest is 25. That's it.

This post is a very emotional one and I hope no one would read this. If anyone does, I just hope no one would judge me. They don't know my situation.

P.S. For the (maybe) last time, I love you Jensen Ackles wannabe :')

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